


Amidst Reservations

by Syranna



Series: Amidst Reservations [1]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Demisexuality, Erotica, F/M, Feels, First Time, Love, Oral Sex, Philosophy, Plot, Porn With Plot, Resolved Sexual Tension, Smut, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-13 21:47:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7987357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syranna/pseuds/Syranna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An emotionally intensive series with strong elements of erotica, Danse discovers his feelings are more than what he thinks they are; entangled with the chaotic, interesting woman known as Astrid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Within Dim Lights

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: I have experience writing stories before, but I have never written fan fiction. I’ve been on this site, perusing works and decided to do one myself. I would appreciate greatly if you told me what you think in the comments below, it will encourage me to continue this work and others.
> 
> I have also gotten information on sentience and the example I have used in this fiction goes to the ShoddyCast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-jMdJHv1Lk
> 
> And yes..if you are wondering it is true I'm the previous author, Leviean. Sorry I had to take down my work temporarily for security reasons, I never planned on abandoning this series. <3
> 
> SETTING: After Blind Betrayal, Danse’s POV

        We had just trekked from Listening Post Bravo, the act of such drained most of the daylight in order to reach Diamond City. I scanned around the large settlement, being quickly dragged by Astrid who seemed focused on bringing me to her home I’ve never seen before. She opened the door, allowing me into the dim atmosphere.

 

        “Alright stay here, make yourself at home.” she instructed casually, apathetical to how I would react to it. I saw her cross her arms and putting her weight on one of her legs, making it more erect. Her hard gaze then shifted onto mine.

 

        “Stay here? Where are you going off to now?” I asked with a unintentional harsh tone. I suppose I felt rather annoyed, but I decided not to lash out at her for it. It wouldn’t change her absence.

 

        “Relax Danse, I’ll be back in an hour. Not two days. Take a nap, or a bath, or both.” she narrowed her brows at me, trying to comfort me in an.. unusual fashion. She didn’t like it when people talked to her in a rough voice, even though she did it frequently.

 

        She looked at me, awaiting a reply. I know she wouldn’t give me a direct answer if I decided to ask, so I spoke nothing at all. If she wants me to know, she’ll tell me. I’ve tried strangling an explanation out of her when we first met. Of course, in vain. I recall snapping at her then, soon after she stormed off and didn’t return until a week later. I lacked the tolerance for her insubordination then, unlike I do now. Now, I’m not her commanding officer and when I was, she always refused to be ‘controlled’. I felt we’ve always been more than that. We shared some sort of bond, something more than simply assigned soldiers. I truly believe it’s how I’ve tolerated her for so long.

 

        I wanted to talk to her about something, I needed some support regarding my identity. My eyes looked in a few places around her, my facial features softened with emotion, I mumbled, “Astrid, I—“

 

        “Oh, right,” she interrupted, looking at me with slight distain, “Before you go into the bed, take a bath. I don’t want any sweat, dirt, or grease on my fabrics. And before you take a dose of Rad-X, I’ll have you know that the water is purified.”

 

        I paused at her for a few moments, having the strong urge to sigh at her but decided to forget about the subject… for now. I took a sharp inhale instead.

 

        “I expected as much from you.” I said deeply, realizing my voice unintentionally left traces of admiration. I raised a brow slightly, feeling the corners of my mouth twitch.

 

        “Good. Glad we’re on the same page.” she said with friendly cheek in her voice, squinted her light grey eyes in an attractive manner, and gave me a weak smile. It seemed like her emotions flew from annoyed to relieved, happy to angry in a span of thirty seconds. Spending five months with her day and night revealed a lot about her that you wouldn’t catch at first glance. She would comfort herself in humor, flirtation, teasing, and experimenting on people’s reactions to her. Usually that would be me, but I’ve caught onto it quickly and found it mutually humorous and interesting. Underneath all of that hardness and reservation, lied someone who cared, cared about me and others around her. She was afraid of showing it, which I was still uncertain to why.

 

        She closed the door behind her, and her dark figure walked out into the dimming atmosphere outside. She always tried to dress in dark colors, or at least things that complimented her figure. underneath her shadowed sturdy combat armor was a grey BOS uniform. I remember when I gave her an orange one as an initiate and she scoffed at me and yelled that it was “an insult to fashion” and refused to wear it until she acquired the grey one when she was promoted Knight… Who am I to make up the rules? I briefly smirked at the memory and gently shook my head.

 

        I stepped out of my power armor. She returned the one I owned formerly, saying it suited me and that it smelled of my pheromones, which I was unsure if it was a compliment or insult. I believe because she wouldn’t want to keep it for herself. She never admits selflessness directly, not often; always takes what she can get, if not more. My armor still had the Brotherhood symbol on the front, reminding me of the situation with Maxson. I blinked a few times, lost in thoughts about myself—

_“You are the very definition of what we hate most. Technology that’s gone too far!”_

 

        I shook my head and decided to change the subject, as difficult as it was to do. Astrid told me Arthur _was_ wrong, but.. 

 

        I sighed and decided to distract myself. I walked onto the wooden floors into candle lit room. I heard the jukebox play mellow, slow, classical music. She hated bright lights and said it was harsh on her eyes, and whenever we would camp out, she would insist candle light, or dimming the light bulbs. I looked around the room, noticing everything was very, very clean. It was so impossible to find such impeccably spotless items that I wondered where she snatched them from. Hubflowers and mutated ferns accompanied on her drawers and nightstands along with alcohol and cigarettes, various weaponry, including the laser rifle I gave her. I felt a smile grow across my lips at the thought. I looked at her spotless bed, noticing it also was covered in flowers and two comfortable pillows. I raised a brow inquisitively. 

 

        I wondered why those were there, or who they were for. 

 

        “Hmph. Maybe she had someone over..” I mumbled, feeling my face flush. I immediately felt confused on why, wondering if it was because I concerned for her. I didn’t know. I recall her sometimes saying flirtatious remarks to me. I felt a sort of.. euphoria at the thought.. Maybe…

 

        No. Definitely not. I wasn’t— I’m not.. human, so I doubt she would consider me capable of those feelings. I scoffed at the thought.. I doubt I would be capable of those feelings.

 

        I walked upstairs, noticing the glass pitcher and two clean drinking glasses. I filled the empty one with the crisp, clean water and put it to the side of the white tub. I turned on the water, which was cool for a few seconds and then began to steam. I found the liquid soap and poured some into the tub, a mass of bubbles emerged. I looked around briefly. There were no walls for privacy which made me feel slightly uncomfortable and..exposed. Still, I stripped down quickly and stepped my way into the tub. It was then I noticed that the water smelled funny… It smelled floral. Damn it.. 

 

        I sighed and shrugged it off, at least now I’ll smell better than I do now. I looked for my soap.

  
        I groaned. I keep forgetting all of my items were _on_ the Prydwyn. I had to use her’s which seemed like the plain, unscented ones. It looked mostly unused, but I couldn’t help but think of the visual of her if it was used. I felt a smirk across my lips as I ran it along my body. I thought of her bare skin, wishing somehow it could be touching mine, as the bar of soap was. I wonder what we would do if that was the case..

 

        I bit the inside of my lip and felt my thoughts immerse with the thoughts of her tan skin, her blue eyes, and shimmery brown hair would look like if I… I smirked and wondered how she would like me to approach it, aggressively, or lovingly.. Both of which sound very much appealing—- I felt myself harden. My eyes widened and I blushed. What was I doing? Did my decorum and decency _literally_ fly out the window? Even if that were to happen, I wouldn’t want to dive too quickly into it.

 

        I was afraid, and nervous of course, and more so getting more attached to her and losing her like I have everything else. I was apprehensive of us unraveling, and our relationship never being the same after. I couldn’t lose her like that, it would hurt too much. I know in my heart I would do anything for it to work out. I tried to think of something else other than physical contact with her to lower my manhood down. I felt embarrassed with myself. I never had these.. desires before. Maybe it was the hot water. Must of been the hot water.. That’s normal, right?

 

        I dipped my face and hair in the soap infused water, and sighed having to use the fragrant soap in my hair to get out all of the excess oils. I then leaned back, slicking back my hair, simply enjoying the heated water, trying to think of something else. It was a rare luxury. Astrid was all about luxuries, obviously because she was from before the war… I chuckled.

 

        The smile wiped off my face at a realization: Have I _really_ been thinking about her the whole time I’ve been here?

 

        Sure sure, I would think of her a lot since I was her mentor.. And more as time would go on…..

 

        I’ve heard of these things, everywhere and anywhere you could possibly imagine. Society’s obsession since the beginning of time; an obsession I could never understand. Romantic feelings should be impossible for a synth right?

 

        I scoffed. If it was anything, it was an anomaly in my programming. It isn’t possible for… a _machine_ to have such strong feelings for someone. I furrowed my brows together and mumbled under my breath, “I don’t understand..”

 

        I stepped out of the bathtub, soap covering most of my body. I grabbed for the towel, and quickly dried off. Beside the far end of the tub, without me realizing it before was a note that said “Danse, hope this works for you. I don’t really know your style other than in uniform… I’m not sorry if it doesn’t fit, I tried.” on top of a BOS uniform in grey. I smirked and put it on. Conveniently, it fit perfectly.

 

        I looked at myself in the mirror. I wish I had the hair gel I used to have. I grimaced, usually I wouldn’t mind… but..

        The thoughts of Astrid swept my mind. I blinked a few times and I shook my head.

 

        I was exhausted now though. I didn’t sleep for a few days, I couldn’t. Typical. 

 

        Maybe it was causing all these.. things.

 

        My body felt relaxed from the heat and pressure of the water, it made me crave sleep further. I grabbed my glass of water and walked down stairs, my eyelids heavier than usual. I looked at the bed and shrugged, placing the flowers carefully on the floor and laying on my side and quickly drifted asleep.

 

 

 

:~:

 

        I woke and squinted around the candle lit room. I heard water above me, being splashed. I didn’t realize how much this smelled like Astrid until now. I inhaled and smirked, and then I couldn’t resist doing it a few more times. I stroked the bed with my hand, feeling comforted. I eventually got up quickly and walked upstairs half awake. I was going to ask here where she was and why she brought me here in the first place, hoping she would tell me now.

 

        I saw the back of her wet hair, the rest of her body was concealed from an accumulation of bubbles, along with the angle I was at. My eyebrows raised slightly, I was about to head back downstairs until I heard her say softly, oddly softly, “It’s not gentlemen-like to pry.”

 

        “I was just heading back down stairs, forgetting that there wasn’t a wall.” I replied sheepishly, realizing the thought of her naked in the bath completely slipped my mind prior to walking up the steps. Typical.

 

        “Excuses, excuses…” she mumbled with a streak of conceit, “So, do you like the place?”

 

        “Why?” I turned my body away politely.

 

        “Huh. So you aren’t looking at me after all, or decided to turn away. Cute.” I heard her say, suggesting she just glanced at me now. I ignored the compliment; she would mildly flirt with many people in order to get her way with things. I felt jealous, at that.

 

        “Mmn I was just asking because I thought you would like to stay here is all. It’s a lot better than the bunker.”

 

        “Y-You want me to stay..?” I said softly, with surprise and joy.

 

        “No. I’m only asking you that because I absolutely abhor your presence.” she said sarcastically, as usual. I heard her chuckle, “The question is: do you like what you see or not?”

 

        It felt comforting to have her treat me exactly the same as it was prior to the situation at Listening Post Bravo. It reminded me that our relationship hadn’t changed in the least. I didn’t lose everything of great value, and Astrid was of grand value. I felt more dependent on her, dangerously attached, and unversed in such compelling emotions. I realized more and more that I would do anything for her, even spill my own blood if it meant keeping her at my side.

 

        “Absolutely.” I said automatically, with a pleasant tone. I felt as if I couldn’t say it enough. I walked downstairs to give her some privacy and messed with the jukebox. Aside the machine was a bag that wasn’t there previously in reaction I raised a brow inquisitively, deciding not to pry. I walked over and sat on the bed, drinking the filled glass of water from earlier. 

 

         I saw her walk down the stairs, fully dressed in the clothing I saw her in the first time.

 

         I smirked and made a comment, “Those always looked uncomfortable to me.”

 

        “Believe it or not, they aren't, and I’ve slept in it for a little over 200 years. She looked at herself in a full length mirror, brushing her waves in a straight motion. She glanced at me and teased, “Are you impressed yet?”

 

        “If you want me to be, sure. I’ll oblige.” I smirked, sitting with my legs open. I placed a hand on my knee, my back slightly slouched.

 

        Looking back to the mirror, she ruffled and teased her hair aggressively, taming it to compliment her triangular countenance. I gazed in admiration, without her knowledge. I ran my fingers through my hair anxiously, making sure pieces didn’t fall in the wrong place.

 

        “I got you a few things while you settled in. I glanced around your outpost when I came back, noticing it lacked your usual toiletries.” she notified me as she looked at herself closely in the mirror. I could sense her unfairly castigating her uneven complexion without daily cosmetics. I made no comment about it to avoid making her feel uncomfortable.

 

       I raised a brow inquisitively, “You observed what toiletries I use?” 

 

       Astrid gave a perplexed grunt, “I would be surprised if you didn’t know essential ones of mine, considering how long we’ve been comrades.”

 

        “Naturally I have, but either way..” I began, feeling the corners of my mouth twitch. I enjoyed the feeling of being thought about and heard my voice soften, “It was considerate. I appreciate that you did that for me.”

 

        “Certainly.” she replied monotonously, closely focused on tweezing her eyebrows.

 

        I looked around the room in contemplation, “Astrid.. If it’s not too much trouble, can we talk now?” I asked tentatively. I had so much to say, without knowing where to begin. For a moment, I felt I was in an unfamiliar dark room searching for the correct light switch, trying to pinpoint how to word my emotions without damaging the relationship we had now. 

 

        “Hmm?” she turned over to me and raised a brow, noticing my expression and presumed, “Oh, this has something to do with being a synth doesn’t it?”

 

        “Yes.. and well, believe it or not, it’s deeper than that.” I replied, my eyes shifting to the side. I pursed my lips in sheepish contemplation.

 

        I glanced at her feminine, well proportioned frame walk up and sat next to mine. She looked at me attentively and with concern. One of the few times she seemed to take me seriously; I feel flattered, at that. I looked down, and began, “I spent my entire life, or at least what I perceive as my life, following a path to shape my own future. But since my banishment, I feel lost. Almost like I exist without purpose.” I furrowed my brows feeling somewhat envious, “Atleast what you had was something tangible, something real. Your husband.. your son. They were living, breathing humans who loved you and cared for you. I don’t know how much of my own past is artificial, and how much is real… Can you even imagine that?”

 

        I looked up at her, my brows furrowed in anguish and admitted angrily, “I started out as nothing— and I’ve ended up as nothing, and I don’t know what the hell to do about it!”

 

        “Danse, you’re a soldier. No fear, remember?”

 

        I frowned and looked at her, “I _was_ a soldier, now I’m just a.. soulless machine.”

 

        She glared at me, a reaction I was surprised with. She raised her voice and yelled at me, “Don’t ever say that in my presence! Never!”

 

        I narrowed my eyes and eyebrows at her and said seriously, battered from her disheartened responses, “But does it change the fact? After all, I’m not _really_ human.”

 

        She turned her head away and scoffed lowering her voice to her usual volume, “You’re mistaken, Danse. I don’t believe in superstition or that we have souls, but I do believe we both _share_ the most advanced, biological ability. Consciousness.” She turned her head towards me, looking into my eyes earnestly, “Danse, I’ve been inside the Institute. I’ve met the doctors and the scientists. Your biology and unique DNA is exactly the same as any man should be, except that you’re highly resistant to radiation, diseases; don’t require food, water or sleep, also.. well, you’re sterile. Still, none of this makes any difference to me.”

 

        “I continue to not understand—“

 

        “Danse, what is consciousness?” Astrid interrupted me purposefully.

 

        “I.. Well, I don’t know. I doubt I would know.” I furrowed a brow at her.

 

        “I’m going to give you something to think about. Generation three synths act and look human in every way. Simply based off of you I can tell you react to the things around you, you feel emotional and physical pain, you feel alleviation, emotional bonds, act and look convincingly human. You claim, ‘Synths are not sentient’. So, let’s put you in a room with people who were born from sex cells, and others who are ’nonhumans’ who exhibit all of these things I have mentioned, except consciousness. Remember, they act precisely how regular humans would be, and it’d be impossible to tell the difference between the two. So how would you tell who is conscious and who is not?”

 

        I looked at her for a long time and drew my brows together in contemplation, my gaze drifted off of her’s. I sat there for thirty seconds, trying to figure out a respectable argument.

 

        “The truth is, you can’t. Believing that I am sentient and those around me who are assumedly ‘human’ is not much a leap of faith from thinking you are as well. Even you don’t know that I am _actually_ human, or Elder Maxson, along with anyone in the Brotherhood of Steel. You cannot get inside their head and experience it for yourself.”

 

        I was silent and turned my gaze to her. She looked at me and put her hand on my shoulder, and spoke genuinely, “You’re more than a machine Danse, much more.”

 

        My eyebrows raised. I felt my stomach drop, filling with butterflies. The amount of thought she had put into this was astounding and incredibly flattering. I longed to embrace her immediately from her thoughtful speech. She had never acted this way to me before, or anyone else I have seen.

 

        She sighed, and said softly for the first time, “I didn’t mean to… raise my voice like that. I’m not frustrated with you.” she paused and took a heavy sigh, “I’m saddened with how you wanted your life to end because you were made in a laboratory. I’m disgusted that Arthur had the ability to convince you your life meant nothing, not only that, but betray your service to him. There is no difference between you and I. As far as synths being dangerous goes, any human being on the planet can choose to be destructive if they so wanted to. I know you, Danse, you’re not a bad person.

 

        I felt my eyes widen slightly, and my eyebrows raise. She had never acted like this towards me, or anyone. It was so out of character, I couldn’t believe her. 

 

        “D-Do you really mean what you say?” I furrowed my eyebrows together and smiled.

 

        “I only speak the truth. Danse, I wouldn’t lie to you about this. No, never this.”

 

        I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face, “You don’t know what it means to me to hear you say that. I need to confess something to you, Astrid.”

 

        I saw her look at me inquisitively and said lowly, “Go ahead.”

 

        “I need you to hear me out on this one. I don’t know if it’s friendship, or an anomaly in my programming—But whatever it is, I can’t deny the fact that I’m feeling closer to you than anyone else I’ve ever met.”

 

        She looked at me for a very long time, with a surprised look on her face. It was either now or never, and I doubt a better time would ever come across again. I quickly leaned in and hugged her tightly, the position was kind of inelegant. I had my chin on her shoulder, and arms around her waist. I savored every moment, the feeling of her body against mine, I tried my hardest to make time stand still. I closed my eyes and smiled. I sensed her hand on my arm, and she pushed me away. Astrid looked at me in the eyes and raised a brow, “I feel the same way, Danse. Except I would hope what you said meant you would like us to share more than just… friendship?” 

 

        I chuckled in joy, my face glowing with happiness and replied, “Uh— you’re going to have to be patient with me, but if we can tackle those obstacles together, I think this relationship we have could last a very long time..” I dropped my smile, feeling doubt and fear, and asked, “Astrid..Are you sure this is what you _really_ want? Do you really—“  


        She smiled at me and embraced me, quickly and forcefully tugging me backwards onto the bed with her. I gasped in surprise, my body tensed in nervousness.

 

        “I’m just holding you.” she smirked, “Now, shut up about that and relax, and put your arms around me.” she demanded enthusiastically. I obliged willingly.

 

        “You caught me off guard.” I smiled at her, relaxing my body, letting her melt onto me. I gave a satisfied, yet slightly nervous sigh. She looked at me and stroked my rough cheek, gently smiling at me. I looked into her eyes, and then at her well shaped lips and smirked. I wondered is she felt the same way I do..No, no. It seemed unreal.

 

         “It was difficult,” I began, looking at the ceiling with her hand lifting off my face, “since I was your officer, I knew I couldn’t have any intimate relations with you. So I simply attempted to push those feelings aside, of course, in vain. Spending so much time with someone day and night like that makes it a lot more… difficult. I tried then, and failed continuously. I tried earlier, and failed more than you could believe. I couldn’t stop—..” I turned my head her way and looked into her eyes, blushing, “Well, I couldn’t stop thinking of you in here, or when I was at the bunker.”

 

        She was silent, as difficult as it was to see, I saw warmth grow on her tan cheeks. She smiled, looking at my mouth and said, “I.. I don’t know what to say.”

 

         “You don’t have to say anything at all.” I said, feeling a grin spread across my face. I held her tighter, holding the desire to possibly squeeze her enough until she was permanently glued to me. It felt amazing. I felt.. complete, whole. There was no greater satisfaction, and I wanted that gratification to last eternal. The emotional comfort she gave me earlier, along with possibly or potentially feeling the same way I do was all I could ever dream of. Astrid gave me a chance, and for so long I thought it inconceivable. A strong part of me wanted to run with it, immerse myself; the other part wanted me to keep my distance, to check reality.

 

        I sighed and frowned, “Not to ruin the moment here, but I’m afraid of losing you, now more than ever. Once we start something like this, there’s little chance of falling back onto friendship. I can’t lose you completely.”

 

        “It’s a risk I’m taking too, Danse.” she remarked seriously.

 

        “Not to one up you or anything but..” I furrowed my brows together, feeling vulnerable, “You haven’t lost everything here. Astrid, I can’t lose you. I don’t know what I would do, the emotions are… inconceivable.”

 

        I looked over to her, and watched her quickly shift her body above me, colliding her lips with mine. My eyes widened, my lips froze, while she moved and pushed hers into mine, suggesting I do something back. I sheepishly closed my eyes and attempted to kiss her, involuntarily letting out a pleased hum. I felt my body temperature rise, my cheeks flush and my groin warm slightly. She stopped and chuckled at me, continued to lay next to me. It seemed the more I admired her emotionally, the easier it was to arouse me. It was embarrassing and unnecessary; I didn’t want to give the impression that she was just a sexual object to me. I wanted to make sure she knew she was more than that, and even if she did know, I wouldn’t want to stop proving it to her anyway.

 

        “Damn, I really need to teach you how to kiss.” she teased, implying that there was some truth in it and I knew it; I had no romantic or physical experiences with another person. I felt embarrassed that I didn’t even know how to _kiss_ right. I pursed my lips, slightly frowning.

 

        “But of course, it doesn’t make it any less cute or special.” she commented. I tossed my head over in her direction and smiled in comfort.

 

        “Hmm, I don’t think I can get used to the ‘affectionate Astrid’, it’s too out of your character.”

 

        “You should savor it, I assure you these moments won’t occur too often for you to get used to it. After all, we have plenty of work to do outside of this.” she raised an eyebrow at me.

 

        “Speaking of..” I began, narrowing my eyes and pursing my lips inquisitively, “You never went into great detail of your experience in the Institute. Did you.. did you find Shaun?” 

 

        I looked at her turn her vision to the ceiling and reply soberly, “That’s a story for a different day.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to: Marius for encouraging my writing, no matter what form it is in.
> 
>  
> 
> Setting: Two months later— Astrid’s POV

 

 

I was in my house in Diamond city, laying in the tub. Often when I am alone, I look at the things around me and how much they have changed since the war. It’s been eight months of living in this irradiated wasteland, and I still could never get used to it. Never, not entirely. 

 

Everything was better then, the atmosphere was aesthetically pleasing, peaceful and general crime was low where I resided. Of course major companies were still very corrupt, and I suppose that never changed in the wasteland. Mankind has always desired power, a flaw and corruption that has persisted since the beginning of time.

 

I was different then; a peacemaker with incredible patience, making something work when I knew would not. I was passive. I had too high of a tolerance the for emotional turmoil co-workers and relationships came with, but no more. This is a new life; no former family to hold me back, no strings attached, and since I am a stranger to what feels to be an entirely new plane of existence, I have decided to use that to my full advantage.

 

Nate is dead, and I loved him. I continue to love him and I wish entirely that he was around, still breathing, still responsive. He was affectionate, joyous, easy to communicate with, and everything I could of ever want in my entire life, including his flaws. The feelings I have for him currently seems impossible to reacquire, and to imagine holding those feelings for someone else seems thoroughly unsatisfactory. Nathan was my life, and I had longed for him for years, even when we weren’t romantically involved. It didn’t matter of the many times he’d ignore me for months and reject my love; all that _had_ mattered was that he was happy, even if that meant him loving another woman. Those little things, the little flaws and the fictitious perfection people so strive for and hold against one another in relationshidps had vanished. The love I had for him meant more than all of the mistakes we mutually made in the past, it was undoubtably the most wholesome feeling I have ever experienced in my life.

 

At other times I curse Nate for refusing to give Shaun up when his life was on the line. How could he have been so emotionally blinded? How could he have done such a thing when I needed him most? Now he is gone, and now I needed someone to lean on and to escape stress.

 

And I suppose that’s where Danse came in.

 

I walked out of the bath tub, quickly drying myself off and slipping on clothes. I was looking into the bathroom mirror, adjusting the mass of dark, wet waves that was considered my hair.

 

I walked downstairs, dressed in a white tank top and black undergarments to see Danse laying down, looking up to the ceiling and crossing his arms. His facial expression gave the impression that he was contemplating something; something of which I didn’t know. My eyes trailed down to his figure, observing the mostly exposed curves of his body. I bit my tongue between pressed lips in a doubtful anticipation. Danse had not made any intimate moves on me yet, which was understandable. Unfortunately, it has come to the point that now every time we kissed for a prolonged period of time, my loins feel like they’re on fire. I feel like an adolescent when it comes to Danse, the physical chemistry I have for him is unlike any other. Incredible.

 

One of the benefits of being a woman is that there is no telltale sign that you are sexually aroused underneath enough clothing. Still, it was.. aggravating to say the least, and at times very inappropriate. Now was one of those times, considering he was only wearing grey pants.

 

For now, I had to painfully keep my mind off of it, “What are you thinking of?”

 

“Hmm, I suppose a lot of things.” he turned to look at me in the eyes, “One of which is asking how you’re doing with well, us.”

 

Danse has the most self control I have ever seen in my entire life. I knew if I walked downstairs entirely nude he would look away in order to “keep his decorum”. I wanted to see him act vulgar, if he even knew how to be remotely erotic. But of course, I waited for him because I have a shred of decency, even though everything in my body and lecherous mind was begging me to do the opposite.

 

“No complaints, why do you ask?” I replied monotonously, well aware that I was painfully lying.

 

“I ask because I’m simply concerned for your well-being, as always.” he smiled, his dark eyes captivated onto my face. Danse extended his arms, “Come here.”

 

I walked over to him, and into his warm arms onto the bed. It always felt comforting to know someone cares for you deeply, even if you doubt you will ever reciprocate the feeling. The attention, the way they are absolutely at your expense is at times.. entertaining and beneficial.

 

“Do you remember when I told you that I loved you?” he asked, speaking softly into the back of my hair.

 

I hummed in a brief contemplation as to _when_ , “Yes, around two weeks ago, how could I forget?” 

 

Danse was surprisingly romantic. When I first met him; he was cold, distant, impossible to please, strict, by the book, and conveyed the impression to be emotionally unattainable. I suppose my playful, intentionally charming ‘insubordinate behavior’ grew on him. Unfortunately, it made it a lot less humorous on my end. I found it absolutely comical to see him furious, attempting to ‘exert dominance’ in his disciplined, macho tone of voice. To think now he could _actually_ love me from meeting him then, seems fictional and bizarre. I did believe him though.. mostly. 

 

“I simply wanted to let you know that it still applies.” he paused for a few moments, “And I know you haven’t returned the words, but I’ll have you know that you’re presence is enough to keep me happy. No pressure.”

 

I weakly smiled out of flattery, uncomfortably unable to requite his feeling, “Thats.. deep, Danse. Thank you.”

 

He leaned his face over mine, and proceeded to kiss my lips slowly, stroking my hair. His lips were very soft, kissable, and well shaped. I stroked his cheek, feeling my loins warm, unable to resist the thought of his lips all over my body. I gently gripped the back of his hair and a quiet, involuntary moan escaped the back of my throat. Danse paused, looking at me and chuckled, slowly kissing his way to my neck. I moaned in approval, smirking and stroking the back of his short hair. His hand trailed to my hip, venturing further to my thigh, caressing it slowly and gently. My body felt to that of melting wax; he was the flame. I felt at his disposal, my mind clouded from seduction and his tantalizing, masculine gaze.

 

I gave a pleased sigh in response, feeling my loins twist and ache. Danse looked up at me and smirked, kissing my lips with careful veneration. His facial features were so strong, so dominating, a countenance that _always_ seemed to want to subjugate, although that was the deception. I noticed with whatever he was planning to do, he was physically trying to make it meaningful; something more than I wanted it to be.

 

His hand crept over to my inner thigh, his thumb delicately grazing over the corners of my groin. He was taking his time, every step closer to touching me seemed delayed with some sort of ridiculous melodrama or sentimentality he was trying to implement. I groaned, mostly out of irritation, and the rest out of arousal.

 

He gently bit my lower lip, gently sucking it into his mouth briefly. I felt his fingers trail around the edge of my panties, slowly slipping under, reverently touching my smooth skin.

 

“Ahh, you’re so soft. So touchable, I love it.” he mumbled fervently between kisses, his two fingers caressed my groin.

 

“Danse, please..” I groaned faintly. His fingers massaged my warm, swollen lips. 

 

“Mmm..” he looked at me in the eyes with a slight smirk, speaking lovingly, “Astrid, I need you to spread your thighs.”

 

I hummed at his tone and I felt myself throb at his request, my legs willingly giving his hand more room. I felt his fingers touch the sides of my inner lips, “Now relax, I’ll be gentle.” he assured me, diving in for more kissing.I felt his fingers gently graze my bud, I moaned with satisfaction into his mouth.

 

“Your.. undergarments are so wet.” he commented plainly, his fingers trailing slowly inside me.

 

I cried his name in ecstasy, arching my back. I furrowed my brows, feeling his fingers slowly sink deeper inside me, feeling my walls, and staring at my relaxed, satisfied expression. He smirked lewdly.

 

Danse slowly removed his wet fingers from inside me, bringing them into his mouth, sucking them clean. My face burned and my vagina ached, my walls begging to be touched. I sighed out of an angry frustration.

 

He chuckled at my reaction and raised a brow, mumbling playfully, “I like it. Can I do it again?”

 

“Fuck me…” I sighed, my voice leaving traces of begging.

 

“Not tonight.”

 

“Damn, you..” I growled lowly, thoroughly frustrated.

 

His lips trailed all over my neck, dipping his fingers inside me, his thumb massaging my clitoris. I breathed heavily, losing all logical thought and stroked the back of his head.

 

Danse kissed up to my ear and whispered, “I admit, I hold a strong fondness to having you at my mercy and I know you love it.”

 

“Of course I do, fuck!” I breathed, my face flushed with arousal.

 

“Unfortunately I need you to last, Astrid.” he smirked, removing his hand from my groin.

 

I groaned angrily at him, narrowing my brows and grumbled in between breaths, “Next time, I absolutely will not be tolerating your tantalizing, agitating, ridiculous form of love making!”

 

“Allow me to make this encounter exceptional, _something more._ ” he said very softly, hovering closely to my face and gazing into my eyes, “I have longed to express how greatly I love you in a physical method, and I wish to do it in the most selfless, lovingly way possible. Its.. well, exquisitely special for me.” I saw his face redden, his eyes drifting away sheepishly, speaking tensely, “Am I turning you off with it?”

 

“No, no..” I replied, speechlessly, surprised in what this meant to him. It was his first sexual encounter, something I should not devalue to something less than what he wanted, what he had specifically planned _for me_.

 

It was flattering and romantic, something that would of felt wondrous if I had felt the same. I remember how it felt, being in love. A small piece of me envied him for it, the feeling of being complete, whole. Did I ever make him feel truly whole?

 

I pushed his lips away from my face. Danse looked concerned and immediately asked apprehensively, “Did I do something wrong?”

 

I shifted my gaze away from his eyes and reluctantly confessed, “I need you, Danse.” I do need him with me, in my life. Without him, I would be alone. The people around me, or the ones I have recently associated with are not my allies. The Brotherhood of Steel only cares of technological power over the wasteland and their numbers, caring little of the unwavering loyalty Danse had given them for years. It was wrong, and additionally made me question what place of value I was considered in Maxson’s eyes.

 

“Then I will stay.” he replied, smiling at me warmly. Slowly, we kissed one another’s lips, and this time I enjoyed it. I decided to relax, and immerse myself in the psychological sensation of being loved and petted. He stroked my face, my hair, and my neck with delicate touches, and I did the same to him. I could tell Danse liked it, the feeling of my hands touching him with care and delicacy; he yearned for _something more._ Tonight, I will give it to him.

 

Danse kissed my neck, continuing the slow pace of rubbing my hips. I sat up and squirmed my top and bra off quickly, surprised that he was still maintaining his loving gaze into my eyes. I leaned back onto the pillow, and he dived for me eagerly.

 

_‘Something more’._ The two words in his voice kept replaying in my head. Was I bothered? Was I guilty? No I was not, it was simply inexplicable. Perhaps it was because I was expecting him to bend me over and plough me, just as every man I had been with before. That must’ve been what was considered.. _something less_. Was it?

 

He kissed my neck, sucking it gently, moving slowly down unto my collarbone. I hummed and smiled at him, continuing to caress his neck and shoulders. 

 

I have never had sexual relations that were considered, ‘ _something more’._ It was always was aggressive, lecherous, and impure. This was unfamiliar. I couldn’t stop pondering over it, I was shocked, befuddled, and excessively flattered. _‘Something more..’_ I contemplated with reservation, _‘Could any sexual encounters be considered something more?’_

 

His warm mouth trailed along my breasts, biting me gently. I moaned loudly, focusing on the way his hot lips moved: trickling lower, and lower.

 

He gently tugged at my undergarments, and chuckled lightly looking up at me. The act of which seemed very innocent, inexperienced, and gracious. An interesting change of pace, though the act of such felt fictitious; perhaps a well-played facade. Lifting my pelvis, Danse commented lowly, his face flushing as he removed my underwear, “I’ll need.. uh.. a bit of guidance.” 

 

I blushed, feeling my body temperature rise. The corners of my mouth twitched, internally enjoying this unique experience. I nodded at him. I saw him look down and bite his lip, his face burning with passion. He kissed his way down my thigh, beginning to smooch the outside skin of my groin.

 

I felt myself ache and moaned, “Danse..”

 

I felt the breath of his quiet chuckle, “I like when you say my name.” he commented tenderly, continuing to kiss every square inch of my vulva with endearment, “Say it again.”

 

“Danse..” I sighed, “Nobody has spoken to me like this before.”

 

“Astrid..” he breathed.

 

_“Something more..”_ my lips mouthed silently without his knowledge. I squinted my eyes, partially distracted with speculation. Quickly, it was interrupted by his fingers parting my lips, his warm tongue slowly moving along my bud. I gasped at the sensation and looked down, my hand stroking his cheek. I forced myself to soften my typically feverous tone and say, “Do it again.”

 

I moaned at his obedience, my fingers running through his short hair. I breathed heavily, expressing my desires vocally, mumbling them to him tenderly, with care. I had continued the end of the bargain, for Danse.

 

He corresponded to my request. I saw his body and pelvis squirm, assumedly struggling to remove the rest of his clothes. He hummed, tilting his head and biting my bud, I gasped and exhaled weakly to him, “So wondrous, you are.” I couldn’t distinguish if the words I spoke were meaningful or from being amidst inebriating pleasure, nevertheless I could tell it had an effect on him.

 

I saw his hand slowly caress his way from my groin, to my stomach, to my chest, cupping my breast. I moaned noticing my face burning. I looked down to notice his other hand was pleasing himself, and there was something so painstakingly erotic about it; the sound and sensation of his heavy exhales he preformed through his nose. 

 

“Mm, I love everything about you, Astrid. Everything.” Danse struggled to breathe out, “More than you know.”

 

I heard him moan as his hot mouth cupped around my lip, sucking, his teeth trailing gingerly, repeating the same to the other. I groaned loudly at the pain of being close, feeling his hand stroking my thigh.

 

“I.. I’m close.. I need.. It’s not.. enough.” I managed to mumble between heavy breaths, drawing my brows together. I had the immense difficulty resisting the alleviation of swearing loudly, expressing how lascivious it was, how physically alluring it was, and how much I wanted to see the carnal side of him. _Selfish._

 

I heard him moan loudly with pleasure and arousal from my statement. He up looked at me briefly, his bright crimson countenance inebriated with passion, smirking at me. He bit his lip and groaned loudly, expressing he was craving for more. The sounds he made were so deep, so hot. It took me on edge, losing all traces of logical thought.

 

He looked back down into me, scanning me briefly and sighed loudly, seeming flustered with desire, overcame with how maddening it was. He put mouth against my well, his tongue trailing the opening.

 

I yelled loudly unable to know what to say, “My God— I..” 

 

I heard him pant, and groan loudly, “Astrid..Ahhh…” His tongue slowly squirmed it’s way inside me. I grabbed tightly onto his dark locks, and cried in pleasure, clenching his tongue in waves. I pushed onto the back of his head and fucked his mouth, burying his face between my thighs. All I could think of was how hot and wet the entire inside of my pussy felt, so lubricated with his saliva. The rest, my bodily fluids which he was tasting at it’s source. I felt his tongue escape me, I stared down only to see him swallow my fluids and smirk up at me, “I must interlude; you taste.. unspeakably amazing.” 

 

He dipped again, repeating the same motion, lapping at me. I suddenly lost self control on the edge of coming, quickly thrusting his tongue inside me, holding his head steady with both hands. 

 

“Agh!” I shouted while I came, surprised at how intense the sensation and satisfying it was. I released my grip from his head and mumbled softly, “Danse..”

 

I heard him groan and pant heavily, gently sucking my bud. He removed himself from me, quickly grabbing his clothes, drawing his brows together, and shouting my name while spending himself into them. I saw his face, and how red it was, so aroused, still so very irresistible. He looked at me and smirked, breathing heavily, clearly exhausted. Danse once again caressed my groin reverently, before crawling up to me, immediately embracing me. We laid in semi silence, only hearing the sounds of our lungs inflating and deflating, his chin on my shoulder. 

 

He looked down, kicking off his soiled clothes off the bed. I raised a brow and commented, “Isn’t that going to.. uh.. stain?”

 

“Don’t know, don’t care.” Danse laughed joyfully, “Not when I’ve just experienced something more, _something much much more_.”

 

“You said it again, _those words.._ ” I mumbled lowly, remembering how I kept contemplating what they meant, over and over again.

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“Nothing, never mind.” I replied apprehensively, noticing how strongly attached I currently feel towards him. I was surprised to feel it, but decided to ignore it and blame chemical reactions in my brain that occur after sex.

 

“I love you.” he whispered affectionately onto my neck. I blushed and smiled.

 

_‘Something more..’_ I contemplated, unable to get it off my mind, what just happened and what it had meant. If anything at all, I needed to know. Was it really anything to him? Half of me doubted it immensely, yet the other half believed him

 

“Danse..” I furrowed a brow.

 

“Yes, Astrid?”

 

“‘Something more’… That’s what you said. I can’t describe.. Is that what you wanted, what had just happened? Did I…-“

 

“It was _perfect._ So meaningful, everything.” he gushed, gripping me tightly and grinned.

 

I still couldn’t wrap my mind around it, “What does it mean, to you then? I… I guess I’ve never understood.” I commented lowly, confused on what it meant, needing confirmation if my assumptions were true. I couldn’t believe his reaction to this.

 

“Astrid, to me it is giving up lecherous, fleshy words and remembering that they are a person, that they need affection. The desire to remember that you are still loved during the most base and animalistic act humanly possible. It is to remind you that you are not only a piece of flesh, used for pleasure and for benefit. It is about self control, disciplining carnal desires for the benefit of making one feel wanted and loved in all regards. You did the same to me, and it was.. _exactly_ how I wanted it to be. I’ll never forget it.”

 

I was speechless, my mouth opening to say meaningful words but only able to gather, “Beautiful, yet so unbelievable.”

 

“Astrid, I appreciated that, as strange as it sounds.”

 

“What was there to even appreciate? I simply laid there, and did nothing for you.” I replied skeptically, doubt strongly underlying in my voice. Danse was being ridiculous, making it more than I thought it would ever be considered to a person. Impossible.

 

“I understand that you do not love me, I understood what you taken was purely out of lust, yet you remembered what I wanted, something romantic, sentimental. The best part is how you went along with it, controlled yourself, without knowing it or not.”

 

“I mean of course I did.. oblige for you.” I replied awkwardly, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

 

“Exactly, Astrid. ‘ _Something more’ always demands sacrifice._ ”

 

I laid there in silence, dumbfounded, surprised. I had never knew Danse to be so deep and thoughtful, able making a carnal act so romantic, to make me feel loved. There was nothing more to it but shock. 

 

“Nobody has ever said or done that to me before.” I said softly, my lips parted in surprise.

 

“If that’s the case, then I’m honored to be the first.” Danse replied, stroking my hair. He drew the covers over our bodies.

 

 

 

:~:

 

I woke up, feeling his warm frame against mine. I squirmed a bit and yawned, the first thing I thought of was the things we did before I fell asleep. I sighed and bit my lip, only remembering how inviting and seductive it was when—

 

“Did you know you talked in your sleep?” I heard Danse speak loudly, interrupting my sensual thoughts with undertones of adoration.

 

My body jumped, “What the-“ I turned my head and glared at his content expression, “What the hell kind of welcome— erm, ‘morning words’ is that?”

 

“It’s still not dawn yet, you’ve only slept two hours.” he retorted, furrowing a brow.

 

I looked at him inquisitively, “What did I say in my sleep..?”

 

“First, you mentioned my name a few times, then something about your son and the Institute. Words were spoken at unexpected times, none of it making any sense.” he drew his brows together and frowned, looking excessively vulnerable with his soft expression, “You cried, and I held you. I know something’s wrong with you Astrid, and I want to know.”

 

I sighed loudly out of annoyance, “No, Danse. I’m fine, besides that I don’t recall the dreams.”

 

He looked unto me with an irritated expression, “It’s been two months that you’ve been holding this from me. I know it’s more than simply dreams. Don’t lie to me.”

 

“I’ve told you time and time again, I’ll tell you when the time comes.” I grimaced, avoiding eye contact, “I need more time to think about this.” I knew how Danse would react. He believes everything related to the Institute is without a doubt morally corrupt, I knew he would suggest we immediately set off to make a difference; to destroy it. I know he wouldn’t support me unless we did it _his_ way. At least, that’s how it continuously used to be in the past, and I couldn’t afford to take risks, not now in my time of need.

 

The truth was, I didn’t know how I felt yet about Shaun. He _is_ my son that begotten from myself and my former husband. I allowed to give him a chance, and perhaps we could fix the mistakes the Institute made against the Commonwealth with my guidance. 

 

Danse looked at me with concern and sympathy and simply replied, “Fine.”

 

A few minutes of silence passed, Danse’s arms were still around me. As soon as I was dozing off I heard him say, “Astrid.. I’ve always wondered what my true story was, since the incident.”

 

My eyes opened attentively, I turned my head to him and asked, “What do you mean?”

 

Danse sighed, his eyes trailing around the room, “I mean, I am pondering if I was just a replacement of the _actual_ Danse from the Institute. Or was everything real to me until I met Cutler in Rivet City? Was I an escaped synth, and if so, who exactly arranged it? Who else escaped with me, if any at all? Why did I want to leave so terribly badly? Did I have a memory-wipe against my will, or did a series of events conclude that it was my decision?”

 

I pursed my lips, and replied, “I.. don’t know, Danse. I’m sorry.”

 

We shared a moment of silence. I sensed it really bothered him, one of the main reasons it kept him up at night, and I couldn’t blame him. To be unable to tell the difference of what of your past was real or implanted in your memories sounded horrifying, something he didn’t deserve. I thought of it, feeling relieved I didnt have to deal with something like that. I turned my face away and speculated, “Hmm, the Railroad might know.”

 

 

TBC <3


End file.
